I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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