I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
