Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
