my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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