My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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