Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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