i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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