Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
