Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Even my vagina gasped.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
