I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
