Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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