you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
