Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
