My nipple is on Facebook.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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