It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
