He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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