Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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