I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
