Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
