My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
