Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
