I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
