i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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