i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
