The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
