well most of my day revolves around power hour
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
