I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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