put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
