I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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