i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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