You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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