Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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