Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
