I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
