Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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