This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
