Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
