I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
