Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
