My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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