my room smells like sperm. sweet.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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