Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
