she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
my liver is dry heaving
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
