If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So much rum. So many feels.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
