youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
