i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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