Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
