im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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