we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
