Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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