I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize