Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
: south campus drug res life name erik. Love, tran
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
