dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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