i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize