I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
