I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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