does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
