just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
