Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
