what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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