does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
