i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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