I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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